Another Switch

Going to stop using this blog and go exclusively to my Jenness Journal seeing that I work there now and am no longer in college (at least not at CBU).

Check it out at www.jennessjournal.blogspot.com. Update it sometime.... maybe.

April 5, 2009

Another week has gone by and I'm one week closer to getting my Bachelors degree. Four more...
This really has nothing to do with my blog for tonight, but it's true nonetheless.

Why, you may be asking yourself, did he just open this blog with that statement if it has nothing to do with the rest of the blog? The answer to that my dear friend is that I really have no idea how else to open this blog. As I am typing this I don't even know what to title this blog. What I do know is what it will be about, so I might as well delve into it already...

I'm going to try something new tonight, writing this in a sort of dialogue with myself. I don't mean a conversation, I mean how it sounds in my head before I put it on paper (figuratively of course). This is the very internal struggle that passes through the mind of Michael Jewell on a daily basis.

What's on my mind on this fine evening is relationships; all sorts, ranging from friends to family, even into the realm of marriage (not mine of course). This past weekend I went home to Yuba City to attend my parents wedding. After four years of being divorced (and even longer being separated) my parents have supposedly reconciled their differences and were remarried on Thursday April 2, 2009.
Now wait just a minute there buddy. Was that a supposedly I saw there in that sentence?
Why yes, yes it was. Let me explain.
When your world is shattered by something like your parents divorce it can really make you question institutions such as marriage and can make you doubt the people who you trusted before. That's what happened to me and I'm still recovering from that blow. I say that they have supposedly reconciled because I really don't know or understand what was, is, or ever will be going through their heads. I don't understand how such a mighty person of faith in your life (my father in this case) could have fallen to such depths as to cause such a schism within our family, and I don't understand how someone could ever truly recover from such a fall. That's what makes me doubt it all.
Forgiveness is also a huge factor that I can't seem to get my head around, especially for my mom. Something she told me really sticks in my head though. I talked to her about everything and one thing she said was that she came to a point that she just wasn't angry any more. That really shocked me. My mom, the scourge of my childhood (no offence mom) not holding on to the anger. Wow. Not much more I can say.
Don't get me wrong. I think it is the biblical thing to do; the only right thing. Yet the human in me tends to get the better of me and makes me doubt things will last. I really hope it does though. I don't want to have to bring my kids to see their grandparents in two separate places. I want to be able to show my kids what a biblical model of parenting is, and for them to see it reflected in their grandparents. Yet, I once again think that things can't last, that someone can never truly get over such a traumatic event.
One glimmer of hope remains within me though in regards to my parents remarriage: that on the night of their marriage I saw such joy and passion in my mother's eyes that I've never seen before. I hope that remains forever...

Well, that was a lot longer than I though it would be, I guess the rest will have to wait until later. I have finally settled on a title for this blog though, today's date. Simple. Concise. And I have no idea what else to call it. Look for my next blog on friendship and other relationships coming in the next week.

Hope Springs Eternal

Rather than doing some homework (I am on spring break after all) I decided to write a new blog that I've been contemplating for the past couple of days. In case you don't know, my favorite movie of all time is "The Shawshank Redemption" (which everyone should see) and recently I read the short story, "Rita Hayworth and Shawshank Redemption" by Stephen King, which is what the movie is based on. Reading these things and looking at one of my previous posts got me thinking more in depth about hope: what it is and why we care so much about it. For this post I'm going to focus on 1 Corinthians 13, and we'll see where it goes from there.

Paul, in 1 Corinthians 13:13 states that, "And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity." It seems to me that we have always focused on charity (love, agape) as the preeminent Christian virtue (and I do think it is extremely important), yet we fail to look at the other two, faith and hope. Well, I'm going to look at hope.

Hope is what keeps us all going. Hope is what lets us see the light at the end of the tunnel. Hope, in many respects, is all we have. We hope that we have eternal salvation, we hope that when we die we will be in paradise, we hope that Jesus even existed. Without hope our faith, and therefore our love that flows from said faith, would be void. In case you've never seen "The Shawshank Redemption" it tells the story of Andy Dufresne, an unjustly imprisoned man who never gives up hope of one day being free. The story is narrated by Red, a fellow prisoner and close friend of Andy's. Here's a couple of quotes from the movie:
Andy Dufresne: That's the beauty of music. They can't get that from you... Haven't you ever felt that way about music?
Red: I played a mean harmonica as a younger man. Lost interest in it though. Didn't make much sense in here.
Andy Dufresne: Here's where it makes the most sense. You need it so you don't forget.
Red: Forget?
Andy Dufresne: Forget that... there are places in this world that aren't made out of stone. That there's something inside... that they can't get to, that they can't touch. That's yours.
Red: What're you talking about?
Andy Dufresne: Hope.

And here's another:
Red: Let me tell you something my friend. Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane.

Throughout the movie Andy never gives up hope, and it's something that he tries to teach Red throughout the film. Red uses the excuse of becoming an "institutionalized man," saying that he could never make it on the outside any more. Andy slowly makes him realize that it was all a mindset, that it was all self-imposed, that it was only because he had lost hope.

The book closes with these phrases:
I hope Andy is down there.
I hope I can make it across the border.
I hope to see my friend and shake his hand.
I hope the Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams.
I HOPE.

By the end of the story/movie Andy has made Red see the value of hope, the worth of hope.

Hope is what makes the world go around (along with many other things), and without hope life would be pointless. I know that over the past year hope has been what has gotten me through the days. Hope is what makes me crazy sometimes, yet at the same time hope is what brings me back. Hope is the only thing keeping me from becoming a complete pessimist. I hope for a lot of things...
I hope that this semester ends soon.
I hope I can get my diploma.
I hope to get out of Southern California.
I hope to see my family together again.
I hope that there really is some purpose for my life.
I hope that the mountains are as green as I remember them.
I HOPE.

Pondo Pondering #5

Well, last weekend was my last weekend of working at Ponderosa Pines. Really nothing new. I didn't do anything new with the kids this week and didn't really make any new observations.

With this being the last weekend, I decided to make some general observations about Pondo. If anyone from Pondo happens to read this, I don't mean any of these as negative criticism, merely observations from someone who truly loves and believes in Christan camping ministry. First off, I really think that there should have been more training. We had a "training" weekend but it really wasn't any sort of training. It was more of an in-service work weekend, and as such I felt completely unprepared for the first two weekends of camp. It made things so much harder and increased the worry ten fold. Second, I think that there needed to be more consistency. Especially for the first four weekends or so, we changed up jobs and times a lot. I understand that with camp ministry you need to be flexible, but consistency builds efficiency. Next, inconsistencies in the schedule could have caused some major conflicts, with the master schedule being different from our individual schedules in many aspects. Lastly, I felt that things were really loose, which was a general feeling for the entire camp. Rules and regulations seemed lax, if almost non-existent, especially in regards to the kitchen. When rules were enforced they were sporadic and inconsistent. Also, health codes were definitely being broken in the kitchen, which seems to me to pose a large problem.

Overall though, I really felt that working at Pondo was an excellent experience. I met some great, God-seeking people, with a servants heart. I've learned some new tricks and idea, and have found some things that I would change if I were in charge. Though I must say that it's nice to have my weekends back, I'm glad that I worked at Pondo for the winter.

Pondo Pondering #4

Once again this week we had a Jr. High only camp. I took more time this week to really apply a little bit of what I've learned in my Ministry with Youth class to these kids. Kind of a verification of some of the stuff I've been learning about.

First, a quick little story that I found rather amusing. I was up in the game room watching the kids play Wii and ping pong and I had one kid who was really ok at ping pong. He kept trying to down play how well he played, just so he get people to play so that he could beat them. He played a kid or two, defeating each one of them pretty easily, but then another kid came up stairs and said that he'd play. I think that the first kid thought it would be another easy win, but the second kid obviously (or at least obviously to me) knew how to play. As such the first kid played rather sloppy at first until rather than hustling this kid like all the others, he was being hustled. It was just really interesting to watch.

Back to my observations for the weekend. The first thing I noticed was that these kids were definitely in their little groups and clicks. For anyone who works with younger children, you've probably noticed that kids don't do this as much. Don't get me wrong, they do get into groups, but rarely is it based off of commonality. A child can have one friend one day and another the next. It isn't until they start to reach that level around Jr. High that I've observed that they get into their little clicks that are usually based on similar likes (or dislikes). I saw little groups of "geeks," "preps," and any other click you could think of in the makings at camp this weekend. I'm not even sure these kids noticed that they were doing it. I think of all the things, the fact that they might not have been aware of it caught my attention the most. When I hang out, I know why I hang out with these people, yet these kids seemed oblivious to it. They just naturally gravitated towards a specific group of people.

Another thing that really stood out to be was the kids being competitive. At every event or activity the kids were always trying to make it into a competition. Doing so is natural to all people, but it just really stood out to me this weekend. There was always someone trying to establish dominance in whatever they were doing, from playing Wii or ping pong, to soccer or dodgeball. I think that as we get older we learn to control (or at least mask) this want to dominate others, unless it serves a purpose in letting it out.

One final thing of note was how much more active and daring the girls were. I ran the tube run for two of the three times that it was open and there was easily a 3-1 ratio of girls and guys. Now this could be just because there were more girls than guys, but I thought the ratio was pretty even. My thoughts on the issue is that at that stage of development (11-13 years old or so) the girls are at a more mature stage. We all know that girls start to develop earlier than guys, so these Jr. High girls could just be more mature that their male counterparts. Either way, it was rather obvious to me that the guys were much less daring than the girls. Not only did I have more girls participate in events and the tube run, but the girls were much more likely to do something like wanting to go backwards or get spinned.

Growing Young

This past weekend while working at camp I happened to listen to my Rich Mullins music, which I don't think I've done in some while. It got me thinking, really thinking. In case you didn't know, I used to really love Rich Mullin's music (in fact I own every studio album he ever released), but I really haven't listened to his music in a while. When I say listen to his music, I mean REALLY listen to it, analyze it, learn from it, find the deeper meaning behind it. One of my favorite songs is "Growing Young" which is found on his album "The World as Best as I can Remember it Volume 2."

Here's the chorus:
And everybody used to tell me big boys don't cry
Well I've been around enough to know that that was the lie
That held back the tears in the eyes of a thousand prodigal sons
Well we are children no more, we have sinned and grown old
And our Father still waits and He watches down the road
To see the crying boys come running back to His arms
And be growing young
Growing young

You may now be asking yourself "why would you put that there, and why should I care?" Well, the answer is that it puts forth a rather nice analogy (or metaphor, not really sure which is right) for our fallen state. We were once pure, or in the words of this song, children, yet we are now "growing old" due to our sin. Think about the innocence of childhood; it's the perfect expression of a lack of sin. I'm not saying that children don't sin, we all know that they do, but for the most part they have an overwhelming sense of naivety or innocence. Jesus himself said that we needed to have the faith of a child. Mark 10:15 (New King James Version) states, "15 Assuredly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God as a little child will by no means enter it.” Likewise, Luke 18:17 (New King James Version) states, "17 Assuredly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God as a little child will by no means enter it.”

The bridge to the song states:
And when I thought that I was all alone
It was your voice I heard calling me back home
And I wonder now Lord
What it was that made me wait so long
And what kept You waiting for me all that time
Was Your love stronger than my foolish pride
Will You take me back now, take me back and let me be Your child

As we grow older (both in the physical sense and spiritual sense) we tend to rely more on ourselves. It's a fact of life. It's funny actually, we feel that we are more independent, yet it is in our old(er) age that we should rely more on God. We face greater trials and tribulations as we progress through life, yet we feel we can deal with them on our own. It is, as the bridge states, our own foolish pride that keeps us from seeking help from God. Rather, we need to remember that we his children, and like children we should rely on him.

The song concludes with:
'Cause I've been broken now, I've been saved
I've learned to cry, and I've learned how to pray
And I'm learning, I'm learning even I can be changed
...
And be growing young
Growing young
Growing young

It may seem contradictory to state that we need to be learning to grow young, but it rings all to true. We need to always be learning; it is when we think that we know everything and that we are no longer teachable that we truly begin to grow old. Rather, we need to be growing young in our relationship with God, growing young through our faith in him.

Pondo Pondering #3

Not really anything new this week. As such I feel like going on a tangent.

I noticed (and have always noticed, especially in a camp setting) that emotions tended to run high at camp this weekend. I know that I'm really just stating the obvious here (seeing that we call emotional highs "mountain top moments") but I really am going somewhere with this. For those who know me, you know that I tend to lean towards the more reserved side of things in regards to emotions, and to tell you the truth it has always fascinated me to see these kids act that way. I don't get it, I really don't. Emotions seems to temporal and fake to me. We assume that you aren't praising God if you don't raise your hands or stand up. One thing that drives me crazy is when speakers say something like "if you love Jesus say amen" or "everyone stand up" during a service or "worship" time. It makes the people who don't do those things seem unspiritual or something. To get to my point, I've just seen so many kids act all emotional and make decisions (falsely?) during these emotional highs, only to have no change in their lives. They allowed their passions to rule them during that mountain top moment, but never took that passion to the deeper level of reasoning. Therefore, when they got off that high, they continued to allow their passions to rule them, and of course our passions are naturally evil. I'm not saying that emotions are always bad, merely that we need to take it to the next level, that of true commitment. I believe that we have an intelligent and practical faith. When we keep our faith on the level of passions or emotions, we can never truly get to the heart of our faith and see the true purpose of our lives.

One thing that pertains more closely to this weekend at camp is that I really don't understand the kids who run up to the front and jump around and the likes. What difference is there between a secular concert and that? Are they really praising God? I can't rightly answer that, but my gut feeling tells me no. Are they really listening to and analyzing the words to the songs when they're up front? Again, I doubt it. What good are these "christian" songs that are meant to praise the Lord if we don't really think about what we are singing? The answer is that they are worthless. As true believers, I believe that we should all be conscious of what we sing, especially in a church setting. Many of the songs out there right now lack any real theological or doctrinal basis, or they just don't make any sense. Many times these kids are singing a song that has no relationship to Christianity, yet it has a "positive" message so we let it slip. I am of the firm opinion that we need to be aware of the "word within the words" of the songs that we are singing and know when a song doesn't match up with our Christan beliefs.